the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize