well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
So much rum. So many feels.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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