It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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