You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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