david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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