I cockslap morals
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
