this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I fill condoms, not promises.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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