Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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