Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
