I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
