i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
he was CRYING into my vagina
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize