you guys were way drunker than both of me
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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