smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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