I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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