honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
