I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
