can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
