Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize