I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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