I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize