She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I want to fling myself into the sun
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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