Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
