anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
