The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
