he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
