I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
