I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
