She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
