You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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