i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Randomize
