Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
