I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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