Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Randomize
