chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
