Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
