i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
