If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
