the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
