Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
