He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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