mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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