Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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