I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
