Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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