Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
