she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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