Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Randomize
