watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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