I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
