anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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