we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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