You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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