Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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