I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
