We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize