I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
