Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
