He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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