Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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