my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
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