If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
